Sunday, April 02, 2006
March 13 xa huling nagparamdam saken after nung last entry co dito sa weblog co. Ang mahirap pa, la acong ibang ginawa nung mga panahong naghihintay aco ng texts nia kundi magbasa ng mga past msgs nia. kung pano nia aco ipapakilala sa mga kapatid nia, pano kami magkikita at pano nia aco ittreat sa mall pag lumabas kame, or kung pano nia ipnagpalit ung trabaho nia saken - mas gugustuhin dw niang ma-late sa trabaho kesa hindi aco makatext.
After two days, he texted me unexpectedly. Last thing I heard, ooperahan ung dad nia pero ayaw nia kase hindi pa daw kaya ng dad nia ung operation. So that was it. I thought naging successful and binabantayan nalang nia ung dad nia after makauwi sa bahay. The text says it all:"Hi po. Wala na si tatay. Kinuha na siya kaninang 1:56 am. Un lang po."I spent my remaining regular load on him. He needs someone to talk to, and alam cong it's the most appropriate tym to show na may isang nagccare pa rin sa kanya. (Ehem, it was not really care at all. I kind of pity him and want to get that pain he's feeling out of him.) Haaii, so I listened, eagerly at his stories. How he and his siblings would spend their own money para maging maayos ung daloy ng burol and that napakalungkot daw kase wala na clang parents. I would also feel the same if I was in his shoes. Nakakaawa siya na parang at that instant, gusto co nlang punan ang kanyang financial needs. I told myself ryt away na I'd be sparing some of my tym kinabukasan para makapunta sa burol ng dad nia. I thought jan lang sa Paco - kase Funeraria Floresco ung nag-ayos - un pala sa may NAIA road pa. Okei fyn, na-settle co na ung isip cong ppunta aco, so I would, no matter how far the place is.
March 17, maaga nagdismiss si Ma'am Valbuena. My parents do not knoe anything bout that. Nag-Baclaran kami ni Mel and rode a bus towards Coastal Mall. Naghintay kami sa may KFC across nung overpass kay Bingo. Nagtext narin aco ng info kina Vina, Jaja and Avon - kase sila ang alam nina Dadie ng cell numbers. Baka lang hanapin aco so nagtext na rin aco kna dadie. Ang sabi co lng nung mga bandang 430 na, nasa SM Manila aco dahil treat ni Zoe at burtdei nia. Baka mga past 7 na aco makakauwi dahil nga marami pang inaantay na tropa nia. Pagdating nia, sumakay kami ng jip tapos bumaba kami dun banda sa may tapat ng Nayong Pilipino. May chapel dun na Our Lady of Airways, tapos dun naka-burol ung dad nia. Dun nalang daw para malapit sa place ng cuia nia. Pagpasok, syempre andun ung kapatid nia, and tita nila, na kasama nila magbantay. Pagkaupo namin, he started to talk about what happened, paano napunta sa ganung kalagayan dad nia and what kind of son he was to him. Parang ang ironic kase hindi naman siya ung favorite son pero sa kanya, duty pa rin dapat ang nauuna to be able to be there for his dad kahit sa huling sandali ng kanyang buhay kesa sa nagtatanim ng sama ng loob sa kanya. I adore his being strong, the strength he has to keep on with lyf. All those things, his place, his studies, his motorbyk, his concerns about his future and his siblings, and a lot more in just one hour. Til mga 530 or 6 lang yata kami dun kase kylangan co na rin maibalik si Mel sa may Rob dahil dun sila magkikita ng mom niya. Aco rin kylangan co nang umuwi dahil baka magtext pa si Dadie kina Vina at mahuli aco. Hinatid nia kame sa may sakayan ng FX towards Lawton, leaving him wit a smyl on his face after nia aco makitang nauntog sa pagsakay. (Yak. Kahit kylan talaga patawa aco.Nakakahiya.) Mel and I were starving so kumain na rin kami sa Wendy's Kalaw para makapag "dinner-merienda" and para hindi na aco kumain sa bahay. Pag-uwi, I told Suds bout my whereabouts tapos texted the night away. That was I think, the last tym we've ever comfronted each other tungkol sa feelings namen sa isa't isa. He told me na wala na siyang magagawa pa, and that nahihiya siya sa pangungulit niya sa akin gabi gabi for almost a month now. He was never really that sorry saken. I hope he hd seen my last matinong text sa knya indicating how sad I am for not letting my dream fairytale story for us to happen.
Saturday morning was a different story. He told me na hindi daw niya kayang ung gabing un ang huling pagttext namin sa isa't isa. Hindi daw niya aco matiis, stuff lyk that. So habang naghihintay aco ng full moon that week to appear til my burtdei, he insisted na sagutin co na xa dahil mahal na daw niya aco. Ewan. Hindi co alam kung paano ihhandle ung sitwaxon, so I kept on rejecting him. Dumating ang Wednesday, nagising aco ng maaga para magsimba sa Baclaran, umuwi para makapunta kay Lairah at magpa-pedicure sa F, hinintay si Xandra umuwi para makabili ng damit to wear that nyt. At 430 pm, while he was travelling to Tagaytay para mag-asikaso ng NBI after his father's cremation that morning, he sent his last text message to me - a quote saying hindi co daw alam kung pano niya iniwan ung mahal nia para sakin. And that was the end of it. He never sent me anything after that day. Tinext co nalang xa nung gabing un para sabihing burtdei co that dei and that I am wondering bakit dna xa nagtext pa ulit. I dunno why, everything just stopped between the two of us.
Parang wala pa talaga xa sa maturity niya when it comes to handling relationships. He does not take everything seriously, and that scares me and my feelings for him away. Gusto co rin namang pumasok sa relationship na ganun - especially with a guy whom I have already learned to like, to care about and even to love in the future. But then, un na un. Parang wala na siyang balak magparamdam pa in the future. He had made it clear thru his actions of nothingness. Wala siyang ginagawa para magparamdam. I sent him a quote for the very last tym, and I started just a night ago to move on and forget him. Pero I don't think that would be possible for now. Everytime I open my Smart sim, I wud load unlimited for that day kung sakali mang mag-text siya. Everytime I wud pass by my inbox and phonebook, his name wud appear and thoughts of him would come rushing in my mind. Everytime I wud write in my written journal, I would look and stare at my vandal-name of him in dark ink spelled as CUIA BINGO. Everytime idle moments wud approach me in my sentimental mode, I hope na hindi na un tuwing gabi, I would aoften find myself in the morning recalling how I cryd myself to sleep that night.
Pero with the situation we both have, I could never tell myself to just move on. I could never ask myself to forget his smyl, his face I almost memoryzd, his every reply when we texted each other til past 12 AM which makes me smyl even though I am alone. Even that very sense of being cared, being think about always, and being loved (kung love nga ba un sa kanya). I love those moments, but when asked kung mahal co xa, I just cannot answer. Parang wala na acong reason pa para ma-inlove sa isang taong pipilitin ca gabi-gabi na sagutin ca, sa isang taong mas interesadong magsalita kaysa makinig, sa isang taong manghihingi parati ng assurance kahit xa mismo’y walang maibigay, at sa isang taong hindi ca gaanong kilala sa kung sino ca talaga.
With what I am doing right now – almost two weeks after his last message, together with that longing to settle things out through necessary explanations, I would recall what Mean said to me during a conversation sa Sun:“Miz mo nga lang ba tlga cya?�
ge. FLEW on
4/02/2006 09:07:00 PM
ME
NAME: mae angeline robles gagarin.
BIRTHDAY: march.22.1988.
WHERE TO FIND HER: malate.manila.
me-ann.mei.gelai.ge.angelina.
blue extremes 05.concordia college.
ba development studies.up manila.
EMAIL AT: lefthandah@yahoo.com
''Close the door. write with no one looking over your shoulder. don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you...figure out what you have to say. it's the one and only thing you have to offer.''
---Barbara Kingsolver
